Numbed.

I don't tell you everything. I keep it inside me. No matter how many times i say, it doesnt help. There seems to be no solution to it. And all i can do, is just to breathe in deeply, and accept everything that comes my way. I have no say. I wonder, how long more can i hold, till i finally break.

It seems though, that my presence doesnt mean anything. You dont need me. Because even without me, life still goes on the way it is. Perhaps you may even find it happier that way, without any restrictions, and endless freedom. You can do whatever you want, with no one to disturb you while studying. No more suffocation. Going out with anyone you like. I may be a nuisance to you. If i let go now, it wouldnt affect you.. Life still carries on for you, without me. Because im redundant, and you dont really need me by your side.

Many a times, your actions hurt. you saw that i showed it through my emotions, and then after a while, im fine. But deep down inside, it hurts so much that every night when i close my eyes, tears just roll down uncontrollably.

Between friends and me, i see that you chose friends. I saw the answer, through the little actions you do.

Im amazed, by how much patience i showed towards you..

For a relationship to be happy and keep on going, it takes two hands to clap. If one party refuses to take out his hand, the other party would have to do all the job, and it can be tiring..

I understand the things you went through, your work, your friends and your family. Perhaps you are still not ready. But i dont blame you anymore. I learnt to accept. I learnt to endure. I learnt to suppress my feelings. Most importantly, i learnt to forgive. Though you came and messed up my life, but i feel no sense of hatred towards you. What's mine is mine. If it wasnt meant for me, then maybe it wasnt. Im going to let go, slowly. And when it's time for me to go, and being unable to hold on any longer, im sorry, that's my limit.

Life in school hasn't been really great these while.. Most of the time during lectures im usually with one of my ex-tut mate and her friends or with weijing. But during break times i became a loner. Roamed around the school, and kept on asking him if he's free so i can join him. So much so i felt like im a nuisance. It's really hard to find a clique, especially one whom i can relate and talk heartily to. Engineering really sucks.

With regards to my relationship, with which almost everyone has been asking me about, even my ex-tut mate.. hasn't been really smooth-sailing. Lots of problems surfaced underneath the "quite sweet" impression which most people thought we are. In fact, we aren't. This seems more like a challenge game rather than a relationship. We don't want to lose. We dont say utter sweet nothings to each other because we didnt want our partner to know that we are weak or we miss them. We would wait and see who call each other first. We flaunt to each other which guy/girl we are close to, just to make our partner jealous. During quarrels, either side would not give in, and as a girl, because of the smaller ego that we have compared to guys, we always have to give in even if it's not our fault. We dont celebrate special occasions together, not even valentine's day this year..

We aren't in love. Sacrifices - he's still not ready. Restricting - he's restricting himself not to like me too much, for fear that the same thing would happen to him again. It's unfair for me. Priority - I absolutely have no say in that. Im always on the on-call list.. there's no fixed time set aside for me. Surprises - None, except for cooking for me. Care & concern - he's not showing it; ego. Friends - In the presence of his friends, i will always be suan-ed by him. We dont hold hands like we usually do, even on taxis. The bus incident with his friend.. was a hurtful one.

I really really really do put in a lot of effort.. I daresay the sacrifices i made are big - so much so it has already had a big impact on my life..

It's different now compared to last time.. The attitude, and everything. Sometimes, i wished, we were just friends. Then i wouldnt be in such a torture right now.

I guess, im getting tired of this.. I dont want it to be a game. I would rather admit defeat..

Where do i really stand?

All i wish for, is someone who truly cares for me, and a healthy, normal relationship..

First post for year 2008.

All i can say is,

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

No matter how many times i have to say this, it's still not enough to amend for the mistake i make.

Sickly me. Much as i had wanted, i finally had a fever. But i totally regret it because it feels so terrible and bad. And there was nothing i could do or no one to be with me because i was alone at home for the whole day. All i could do was to find some panadols, popped it into my mouth, get some sleep and hoped everything will be fine.

Will be meeting my clique tomorrow for some shopping spree. On low budget now. I hope i will be fine by tomorrow.

Just read jiahe's blog. Suddenly felt sad cause' we will not be in the same tutorial class anymore. And im not sure how my new tutorial class will turn out to be. I hope all of them are nice chaps.

Found something interesting he mentioned in his blog. Shall copy it here..

"My classmate, Yuling sms-ed me today. She is planning a chatlet with.. eh heRm.. ..this Dec holiday, and she is asking me along. How nice! But the majority will be her JC classmates who’s she will be asking.. and if I go, I will only know her, Jerr (from CAC orientation camp as well) and Eh HerMm (know from some Eh Herm.. Hermm Hmm Hrm.. place). Chokes~
If I go, I will be one of the components in this."






Creative, isnt it?



This Christmas, will be a lonely one.

The sky is so glaring
Why does my heart ache?
My eyes well up unconsciously
I don't know when i started to...
imagine you walking towards me
I don't understand love and you

When will love arrive
Can't you get closer to me?
How do people fall in love?
I seem to be the muddleheaded one

Sometimes you use sweet words to stay close by my side
It's warm and comfortable

I got you a place in my heart
If you are willing to walk with me,
the times we spend will be,
as beautiful as dream
Please walk by me

Finally finished my exams on the 27th, but had only managed to squeeze out time to update my blog now. These two weeks basically im just busy with shopping, chalet and some other trivial stuffs.

I shall not talk about how my exams are going and whatsoever. Because i think i know how i will fare.

Just came back from the chalet organised by my og. Quite fun i must say. Esp the games we played. Played drinking games for two consecutive nights, and the blindfold game. Then for the second night, had to sleep on the hard floor. Woke up with very bad backache.

Watched 30 days of night with rik on the first night since we did not stayover. Very scary but nice show. Then because the show ends at 4 plus and it's neither morning nor night, so we roamed the streets for 2 hrs before settling down at Swensons for some fries. Felt so tired that night, and i guess the fact that im a little drunken has something to do with it too.

More and more people are asking me the same question over and over again. And i really do not know how to answer this question. It's making me feel more embarassed than before. The problem does not lie with me. And it's frustrating. Not that im despo or what, but this is normally how it should goes. No matter how much i tried to say, it's no use.

It's been such a hectic week. Loads of quizes coming up, and i feel like im suffocating.

Anyway, im officially 19 years old on the 27th of Oct. Still sweet nineteen. Im still a teenager. Haha. But i also agreed with yong sheng that im also old already. Imagine, next year i will be celebrating my 20th birthday. 20! I dont want to break 20! I want to stay young.

Received quite a few pressies this year, but im still waiting for the one that my clique has yet to give me. Haha, from what i understand, it's still waiting to be imported from taiwan into singapore. Shall wait then. I love receiving presents :)

Many people asked me how i celebrated my birthday. The answer i gave is basically the same, "Like that lo, nothing special." When i thought it would be special so much so im looking forward to it, it didnt turn out the way i had expected. I wouldnt say im disappointed, but i thought at least there's a surprise. A simple dinner and a stayover would sum it all. But, i still do enjoyed myself. Anyway, this is how my last birthday before i bade goodbye to being a teenager turned out to be.

Countdown to exams. Normally at this point of time i should be very familiar with my stuffs and furiously doing ten year series or past year exam papers over and over again to revise back and then familiarise myself with the concepts, but it's different now. With only 14 days to the start of the first paper, im still struggling to get my way out of all the tons of formulas and concepts. I have my own aims and i would want to ace as many subjects as possible. And im still trying my very best to work towards it!

Had a prepared speech yesterday during effective communication tutorial. Was feeling damn uptight and nervous i almost freaked out. If i could i would give out a loud shout, but i cant. Kept telling jiahe im very scared, and i will forget my content even though i have my cue cards with me to back up. Then he kept on reassuring me that it will be alright. I gave a speech on "When is the right time to have sex?", and when i said it, i could see some of my tutorial mates' expression. But, i still managed to complete my speech steadily and calmly, like what jiahe said. Even asked me how i managed to look so calm when im actually very nervous inside. Actually, i dont know how i did that either. Only thing i knew is that i had to look confident. To my surprise, i actually got an A+! Felt so happy for the achievement. But when i got all so excited and told someone about my achievement, he didnt really think too much of it, and even gave me the comment that im just very lucky. And it suddenly reminded me of another incident when i told him i got an A for my written speech, all he said was that he could do it as well too. It got me saddened for quite a while, as i was expecting some praises for my good work, but i got used to it the second time it happened. Sometimes, i would rather hear some nice words than crude remarks. At least, it gives me the motivation and spurs me on.

Wish me luck for my exams. I hope i can do well.. :)

~When you love someone~

When you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person. But when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find them. At that moment, you are in love.

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your handphone from that special someone, you are in love.

Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. Then, you are in love.

You kept telling yourself, "That special someone is just a friend.", but you realise that you cannot avoid the special attention given to that person. At that moment, you are in love.

When you get a couple of free movie tickets, you would not hesitate to think of that special someone. Then, you are in love.

When you find yourself constantly thinking about her every night, you are in love.

Although that special someone was supposed to have called you back, to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet. You are desperately waiting for that call. At that moment, you are in love.

While you are reading this, if someone appears in your mind, you are in love with that person.


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Once upon a time, there was a teacher and the student lay down under a big tree near the big grass area. Then suddenly, the student asked the teacher,

Student: Teacher, im confused how we find our soul mate. Can you please help me?

Teacher: (Silent for a while, then he answered) Well, it's a pretty hard and easy question.

Student: What do you mean?

Teacher: Look over there, there are a lot of grass there. Why dont you walk across but please, never walk back. Just walk on. On the way, try to find a beautiful grass and picked it up. Then give it to me. But, just one.

Student: Well, ok. (Walked to the grass field)

A few minutes later...

Student: Im back.

Teacher: I dont see any beautiful grass on your hand.

Student: I found a few beatiful ones, but i thought i would find a better one, so i didnt pick it up. But i didnt realise that im already at the end of the field, and i hadnt pick any because i wasnt allowed to walk back.

What is the message?
*Grass : people around you
*Beautiful grass : people who attract you
*Grass field : time

**In looking for your special soul mate, do not always compare and hope that there will be better ones. By doing so, you will only waste your lifetime and chances because "Time never goes back, so accept who he/she is."**

Would you give up 10 friends for the girl you love?