Yes. I went to school today, because of you.

I went to school last weekend, because of you.

I dont mind the waiting.

Alot of things i dont mind.

I know your reasons. And in case you do not know, i understand.

But, i dont wish to explain anymore.

My fault. Lets just blame everything on me.

Is there no other way to solve it?

Is it going to continue like this, as long as it takes?

I saw an abstract in the newspaper today. It goes something like that - "I try to make my son feel special. I try to make him see that everything i do is for him. When i had to make a choice between taking a day's leave to send him to school on his first day or between going to work, i chose him. When i had to make a choice between socializing with my friends or spending time with him, i chose him. All i want is just to make him feel special, and that he is important to me. I will also allocate certain days just for him, to bring him out spending time with him. In this way, on the other days where im not spending time with him, he understands it and keeps to his own promises. All these that i have done for him, is the main reason why we have such a special bond."

How i wish, i could feel special too..

I have so many things to say and explain. But im too tired to say it over and over again.. Im not demanding, seriously. I dont mind not going out with you on dates anymore. I dont mind not having you with my during my breaks anymore. I dont mind not having lunch with you anymore. I dont mind waiting long hours for you anymore. I dont mind you not having time to talk to me on the phone anymore. I dont mind you not listening to my problems anymore. I dont mind you accusing me anymore. I dont mind you blowing your temper at me anymore. Everything and everything, i dont mind anymore. All i want, is just a word of concern from you..

Im tired of all these for now.

I have nothing to argue now..

Im not going to be demanding anymore, if this is how you think of me, and want of me.

Well, you won. And you should be happy, that finally, you are able to make a girl feel so miserable and bad about herself, instead of the other way round.

I must have been the foolishnest girl on earth.

Im in school right now - free because i have just finised my life science quiz, and bored because im alone for 2.5 hrs. Nothing to be special about, since that is always how my normal daily life in ntu works. Either i have friends to have lunch with me, or im by myself.

Wasn't feeling great for the past one week. Feeling very very down, and emotional. Mainly because of work stuffs..

I would just lock myself in my room, and reflect. Then cry. What more can i do..? School life isnt as great as i thought it would be. Sometimes, i have even thought of transferring school to a private uni. At least i can choose what i like to do and study. Here, im very restricted. And studying seems to be more like a chore than an interest. I lost all motivation to study. I used to care so much about grades, but where am i now? It doesnt matter to me anymore.

I cant see my future. I ponder about how my future will be like, with a degree, i absolutely hate. I cant work towards my future, because i have no aim. Not that i do not want to set an aim, but i cant, because it's not what i want.

Someone told me that im inactive in school and that i dont know what i want. The truth is, i know. I know exactly what i want. I want to be active, surrounded by friends too. Thing is, it's the middle of a new sem, and it's hard for me to just join in like that. So, that means i can only start in Year 2. I know what i want to be in future. I have great ambitions too. It's just that, i dont say it out.

After all the things that i have encountered, it left me thinking with a question in mind.. - Do you believe in retribution? That what you do unto others will befall on you - sooner, or later. For one thing, i believe. Because i think, im starting to experience it.. No matter how hard i try, it just didnt turn out the way it is.

Perhaps, it was my fault.

That's how life is..

Unspoken words.

Faded memories.

Unfeeling exchange of stares.

Cold heart.

Have i done wrongly?

I tried my best to do whatever i can so that i can turn out to be the best, but.. was i wrong?

Have i really changed?

The exact words kept ringing in my head.

Was it my fault?

Im sorry if it was.

After things are settled, i will know what to do.

Just give me some more time.

Numbed.

I don't tell you everything. I keep it inside me. No matter how many times i say, it doesnt help. There seems to be no solution to it. And all i can do, is just to breathe in deeply, and accept everything that comes my way. I have no say. I wonder, how long more can i hold, till i finally break.

It seems though, that my presence doesnt mean anything. You dont need me. Because even without me, life still goes on the way it is. Perhaps you may even find it happier that way, without any restrictions, and endless freedom. You can do whatever you want, with no one to disturb you while studying. No more suffocation. Going out with anyone you like. I may be a nuisance to you. If i let go now, it wouldnt affect you.. Life still carries on for you, without me. Because im redundant, and you dont really need me by your side.

Many a times, your actions hurt. you saw that i showed it through my emotions, and then after a while, im fine. But deep down inside, it hurts so much that every night when i close my eyes, tears just roll down uncontrollably.

Between friends and me, i see that you chose friends. I saw the answer, through the little actions you do.

Im amazed, by how much patience i showed towards you..

For a relationship to be happy and keep on going, it takes two hands to clap. If one party refuses to take out his hand, the other party would have to do all the job, and it can be tiring..

I understand the things you went through, your work, your friends and your family. Perhaps you are still not ready. But i dont blame you anymore. I learnt to accept. I learnt to endure. I learnt to suppress my feelings. Most importantly, i learnt to forgive. Though you came and messed up my life, but i feel no sense of hatred towards you. What's mine is mine. If it wasnt meant for me, then maybe it wasnt. Im going to let go, slowly. And when it's time for me to go, and being unable to hold on any longer, im sorry, that's my limit.

Life in school hasn't been really great these while.. Most of the time during lectures im usually with one of my ex-tut mate and her friends or with weijing. But during break times i became a loner. Roamed around the school, and kept on asking him if he's free so i can join him. So much so i felt like im a nuisance. It's really hard to find a clique, especially one whom i can relate and talk heartily to. Engineering really sucks.

With regards to my relationship, with which almost everyone has been asking me about, even my ex-tut mate.. hasn't been really smooth-sailing. Lots of problems surfaced underneath the "quite sweet" impression which most people thought we are. In fact, we aren't. This seems more like a challenge game rather than a relationship. We don't want to lose. We dont say utter sweet nothings to each other because we didnt want our partner to know that we are weak or we miss them. We would wait and see who call each other first. We flaunt to each other which guy/girl we are close to, just to make our partner jealous. During quarrels, either side would not give in, and as a girl, because of the smaller ego that we have compared to guys, we always have to give in even if it's not our fault. We dont celebrate special occasions together, not even valentine's day this year..

We aren't in love. Sacrifices - he's still not ready. Restricting - he's restricting himself not to like me too much, for fear that the same thing would happen to him again. It's unfair for me. Priority - I absolutely have no say in that. Im always on the on-call list.. there's no fixed time set aside for me. Surprises - None, except for cooking for me. Care & concern - he's not showing it; ego. Friends - In the presence of his friends, i will always be suan-ed by him. We dont hold hands like we usually do, even on taxis. The bus incident with his friend.. was a hurtful one.

I really really really do put in a lot of effort.. I daresay the sacrifices i made are big - so much so it has already had a big impact on my life..

It's different now compared to last time.. The attitude, and everything. Sometimes, i wished, we were just friends. Then i wouldnt be in such a torture right now.

I guess, im getting tired of this.. I dont want it to be a game. I would rather admit defeat..

Where do i really stand?

All i wish for, is someone who truly cares for me, and a healthy, normal relationship..

First post for year 2008.

All i can say is,

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

No matter how many times i have to say this, it's still not enough to amend for the mistake i make.

Sickly me. Much as i had wanted, i finally had a fever. But i totally regret it because it feels so terrible and bad. And there was nothing i could do or no one to be with me because i was alone at home for the whole day. All i could do was to find some panadols, popped it into my mouth, get some sleep and hoped everything will be fine.

Will be meeting my clique tomorrow for some shopping spree. On low budget now. I hope i will be fine by tomorrow.

Just read jiahe's blog. Suddenly felt sad cause' we will not be in the same tutorial class anymore. And im not sure how my new tutorial class will turn out to be. I hope all of them are nice chaps.

Found something interesting he mentioned in his blog. Shall copy it here..

"My classmate, Yuling sms-ed me today. She is planning a chatlet with.. eh heRm.. ..this Dec holiday, and she is asking me along. How nice! But the majority will be her JC classmates who’s she will be asking.. and if I go, I will only know her, Jerr (from CAC orientation camp as well) and Eh HerMm (know from some Eh Herm.. Hermm Hmm Hrm.. place). Chokes~
If I go, I will be one of the components in this."






Creative, isnt it?



This Christmas, will be a lonely one.

The sky is so glaring
Why does my heart ache?
My eyes well up unconsciously
I don't know when i started to...
imagine you walking towards me
I don't understand love and you

When will love arrive
Can't you get closer to me?
How do people fall in love?
I seem to be the muddleheaded one

Sometimes you use sweet words to stay close by my side
It's warm and comfortable

I got you a place in my heart
If you are willing to walk with me,
the times we spend will be,
as beautiful as dream
Please walk by me

Finally finished my exams on the 27th, but had only managed to squeeze out time to update my blog now. These two weeks basically im just busy with shopping, chalet and some other trivial stuffs.

I shall not talk about how my exams are going and whatsoever. Because i think i know how i will fare.

Just came back from the chalet organised by my og. Quite fun i must say. Esp the games we played. Played drinking games for two consecutive nights, and the blindfold game. Then for the second night, had to sleep on the hard floor. Woke up with very bad backache.

Watched 30 days of night with rik on the first night since we did not stayover. Very scary but nice show. Then because the show ends at 4 plus and it's neither morning nor night, so we roamed the streets for 2 hrs before settling down at Swensons for some fries. Felt so tired that night, and i guess the fact that im a little drunken has something to do with it too.

More and more people are asking me the same question over and over again. And i really do not know how to answer this question. It's making me feel more embarassed than before. The problem does not lie with me. And it's frustrating. Not that im despo or what, but this is normally how it should goes. No matter how much i tried to say, it's no use.