It's hard being the girl behind you.
Though easy it may seem, but it requires a brand new me.
Im not used to it, neither am i accustomed to it.
And the effort is, tremendous.

Patience, is all i gave.
It doesnt comes easily, especially when it's from me.
But do you even know that i exist?

You took my presence for granted
Because of the time i gave
But have you ever,
set aside time for me in your diary?

I was aware,
of your family,studies and friends
But i have not request much,
just that you will appreciate what i have done, thus far.

It's a challenge to be with you,
with the obstacles i had to cross
and the tolerance i had to give
My endurance ever so high
Are you aware, of what you are putting me through?

I wasnt recognised
neither was i treated rightly
In front of your friends, i was nothing.
Do you care, the amount of pain i once felt.

You are afraid
And you are hiding
But, how does it feel,
to not face up to your feelings?

It's hard, to be with you.
It's hard, to like you.
It's hard to be the girl behind you.
When will you take my sorrows away?

In case my clique nag at me again, i better blog something, even if it is just pure bo liao stuffs. Hahaha, seriously my clique is really getting old and their naggings sucks. I hate nagginggggsss. BLAAA.

Shall not blog about the usual-k-box outing with clique, cause' it's been going on for years, so much so we are already siannnzzz of it. And i promised to organise some special outing the next time round.

Have been working at my current workplace for almost 1mth now.. i can only say that it's a very good experience. The environment there- alright. But the people there- Best. Jokers all around and you can never fail to laugh each day u work there. They are just like my clique ppl, funny until sometimes i just cant stop laughing. But the most important thing is, they people there have no airs about them, and they are nice. : )

But one thing i learnt over there is - In order to climb up, you have to know how to suck up to your boss. Sad, but true. You must know how to smile, and be submissive, even when you hated your boss so much you hoped he just get his ass off his seat in the office.

Got back my results last week. Worse than what i had expected. Really very demoralising and sad to see that my once-good results had been reduced to such miserable state. My mentality is the same as fumin. Shall not elaborate any further but trust me, from now on im going to really put in my best shot for engineering. I have had enough of whining about the course and losing all motivation. Whatever degree i am going to graduate with, im going to just make full use of it and give in my best shot. Life isnt going to be any worse as long as i graduate with a university degree in hand. At this down part of my life, it's time i stand up and face it.

Ok la, enough of my blog. Now you, go back and do ur things la!! So kpo, read my blog!

I should be studying now at this moment because i have a life science exam tomorrow. But i was feeling really tired so i thought i could take a break from all the cells and organelles.

It's been such a long time ever since i updated my blog. It's exam period now, and yeah as usual, all the muggings to do.

If nothing goes wrong next semester, and pray hard that my points are enough to get into hall, i will be staying with kl and she will be my roomie then! So excited about the thought of being able to stay in hall, although it may seem nothing to those who have stayed before. I was so desperate to get into hall that i asked jiahan to talk to her friend about putting me in the recommended list. Her friend asked me what i can contribute to the hall if she managed to pull me in, and without any hesitation, i told her netball interhall games. Come to think of it now, imagine im playing the netball interhall games, then there is bound to be many people watching, i wonder if i will be frightened. I think i will. Haha.

Got accepted to go for summer studies in Vietnam, but am rejecting it. I think my parents think im not independent enough to go there. Ah, now half of my future is gone.

He's been treating me much better now. At least, more normally. And i can feel it. I felt so much more happy these days. But, the question still lingers in my head.

Last Saturday, we had an 'outing' @ Causeway Point. The main motive is actually to celebrate kry's birthday, while having lunch at Breeks. And the thought of turning 20 just makes me shudders. 20! That means nearing adulthood. I want to remain a girl. Haha.

The food there is just alright only. And like what most of us agree, we would be able to feel fuller if we were to dine at seoul garden next door instead. Somemore, seoul is more value for money. Breeks is really, really, really - just OK.

After that, me and weijing headed off to library to start on our project. Only to realise that we cannot insert our thumbdrive at the idiotic computers there. So, we had to ask a kind girl to lend us her laptop for us to check something in our thumbdrive. In the end, both of us decide that we cant really do anything on our part of the project so we left off happily, for partyworld singing session with the rest.

Partyworld is really better than Kbox. Not just in terms of the price, but also taking into account the drinks and tidbits. But the only part that we dont like is that the timing is fixed and we cant extend it like what we used to do in Kbox. Also, the tidbits is non-refillable.

Im really very busy this week. I have so much things to do, but i dont really have the motivation to do everything to my best. Yes i did and revise my work, but im just not at my best condition. So much so i called him to tell him i really hate what im studying. Each time i open my txtbook, or do my tutorials, a sense of hatred just surged up in me. Allow me to say this once again - never ever study engineering, even if you have no choice. It's a lifetime regret.

Still have reports for my management to write. Still have notes to catch up with. And tutorials to revise. But just because of ONE BLOODY person's words, it drains me of all the little motivation i have. This bloody person i really really hate him. His words i will always remember, very clearly in my heart. Anyway, this bloody person is not rik.

Yes. I went to school today, because of you.

I went to school last weekend, because of you.

I dont mind the waiting.

Alot of things i dont mind.

I know your reasons. And in case you do not know, i understand.

But, i dont wish to explain anymore.

My fault. Lets just blame everything on me.

Is there no other way to solve it?

Is it going to continue like this, as long as it takes?

I saw an abstract in the newspaper today. It goes something like that - "I try to make my son feel special. I try to make him see that everything i do is for him. When i had to make a choice between taking a day's leave to send him to school on his first day or between going to work, i chose him. When i had to make a choice between socializing with my friends or spending time with him, i chose him. All i want is just to make him feel special, and that he is important to me. I will also allocate certain days just for him, to bring him out spending time with him. In this way, on the other days where im not spending time with him, he understands it and keeps to his own promises. All these that i have done for him, is the main reason why we have such a special bond."

How i wish, i could feel special too..

I have so many things to say and explain. But im too tired to say it over and over again.. Im not demanding, seriously. I dont mind not going out with you on dates anymore. I dont mind not having you with my during my breaks anymore. I dont mind not having lunch with you anymore. I dont mind waiting long hours for you anymore. I dont mind you not having time to talk to me on the phone anymore. I dont mind you not listening to my problems anymore. I dont mind you accusing me anymore. I dont mind you blowing your temper at me anymore. Everything and everything, i dont mind anymore. All i want, is just a word of concern from you..

Im tired of all these for now.

I have nothing to argue now..

Im not going to be demanding anymore, if this is how you think of me, and want of me.

Well, you won. And you should be happy, that finally, you are able to make a girl feel so miserable and bad about herself, instead of the other way round.

I must have been the foolishnest girl on earth.

Im in school right now - free because i have just finised my life science quiz, and bored because im alone for 2.5 hrs. Nothing to be special about, since that is always how my normal daily life in ntu works. Either i have friends to have lunch with me, or im by myself.

Wasn't feeling great for the past one week. Feeling very very down, and emotional. Mainly because of work stuffs..

I would just lock myself in my room, and reflect. Then cry. What more can i do..? School life isnt as great as i thought it would be. Sometimes, i have even thought of transferring school to a private uni. At least i can choose what i like to do and study. Here, im very restricted. And studying seems to be more like a chore than an interest. I lost all motivation to study. I used to care so much about grades, but where am i now? It doesnt matter to me anymore.

I cant see my future. I ponder about how my future will be like, with a degree, i absolutely hate. I cant work towards my future, because i have no aim. Not that i do not want to set an aim, but i cant, because it's not what i want.

Someone told me that im inactive in school and that i dont know what i want. The truth is, i know. I know exactly what i want. I want to be active, surrounded by friends too. Thing is, it's the middle of a new sem, and it's hard for me to just join in like that. So, that means i can only start in Year 2. I know what i want to be in future. I have great ambitions too. It's just that, i dont say it out.

After all the things that i have encountered, it left me thinking with a question in mind.. - Do you believe in retribution? That what you do unto others will befall on you - sooner, or later. For one thing, i believe. Because i think, im starting to experience it.. No matter how hard i try, it just didnt turn out the way it is.

Perhaps, it was my fault.

That's how life is..

Unspoken words.

Faded memories.

Unfeeling exchange of stares.

Cold heart.

Have i done wrongly?

I tried my best to do whatever i can so that i can turn out to be the best, but.. was i wrong?

Have i really changed?

The exact words kept ringing in my head.

Was it my fault?

Im sorry if it was.

After things are settled, i will know what to do.

Just give me some more time.

Numbed.

I don't tell you everything. I keep it inside me. No matter how many times i say, it doesnt help. There seems to be no solution to it. And all i can do, is just to breathe in deeply, and accept everything that comes my way. I have no say. I wonder, how long more can i hold, till i finally break.

It seems though, that my presence doesnt mean anything. You dont need me. Because even without me, life still goes on the way it is. Perhaps you may even find it happier that way, without any restrictions, and endless freedom. You can do whatever you want, with no one to disturb you while studying. No more suffocation. Going out with anyone you like. I may be a nuisance to you. If i let go now, it wouldnt affect you.. Life still carries on for you, without me. Because im redundant, and you dont really need me by your side.

Many a times, your actions hurt. you saw that i showed it through my emotions, and then after a while, im fine. But deep down inside, it hurts so much that every night when i close my eyes, tears just roll down uncontrollably.

Between friends and me, i see that you chose friends. I saw the answer, through the little actions you do.

Im amazed, by how much patience i showed towards you..

For a relationship to be happy and keep on going, it takes two hands to clap. If one party refuses to take out his hand, the other party would have to do all the job, and it can be tiring..

I understand the things you went through, your work, your friends and your family. Perhaps you are still not ready. But i dont blame you anymore. I learnt to accept. I learnt to endure. I learnt to suppress my feelings. Most importantly, i learnt to forgive. Though you came and messed up my life, but i feel no sense of hatred towards you. What's mine is mine. If it wasnt meant for me, then maybe it wasnt. Im going to let go, slowly. And when it's time for me to go, and being unable to hold on any longer, im sorry, that's my limit.