long time no see....

yoyoyoyyoyoyoyo everyone this is nu ren's nan ren hunky hunk here. hahahaha my nu ren asked me to blog for her so here i am blogging!!! the last time i blogged for her was like somewhere last year??? lol. helped her to blog to push down her ARDENT FANS LOL.

anyway, my nu ren is still doing fine. as fine as a grain of rice, as fine as spitting on the ground and kena fine $500. ok not funny i know=s. for those ardent fans of her who wants to know how is she, she is still the same basically. hahaha. she says she dont want to blog cos nothing to blog. but i beg to differ. must be too many things to blog liao but she dont know where to start from. lol. and as her nan ren who have always been helping her to change her blogskin, i know the picture has gone missing for a few months, and she doesnt know how to edit the html from her very first blog till now. LOL. but i'm also lazy to help her change since she dont blog also. haha. anyway, simplicity is beauty, so just leave it as it is! haha.

ya so help her blog until here lo. dont worry, she is still as mei li as ever. BUT BEWARE OF SOMETHING: she has gone crazy recently cos she always like to put smiley faces in her smses. very scary cos it's so unlike her and everytime she puts smiley in her sms my small and beautiful little heart will jump as tall as me =p hahahah crappppppppp.

~CHEERIOS~

Ok ardent fans of my blog im sorry. I think i broke my own record for not blogging ever since july. =P

Just too busy, lethargic and sian to update my blog. Things come and go so i dont know how to start blogging this post. Hahaa. Anyway i finally get myself busy with something in uni already! And it's really very busy and stressful.

During the cca recruitment week, i managed to talk weijing into going for the interview for cac impresario 2009 as programmer with me, although she knows practically nothing about cac impresario. Hahaa felt a little pitiful for her during the interview because i can see she's trying v. hard to crap through it. Basically in the end i was chosen as business manager. Shocked when i received the call from chairman to confirm me as biz mag because i didnt expect myself to get such a high post. At that point of time i suddenly felt my status being elevated. Lol. Finally i got myself into something using my own capabilities! 1 week later, i was appointed chief business manager among the other biz mags. I thought all i had to do was just to be a leader to the others, and report to vice-chair on our progress. But i was very wrong because other than reporting to vice-chair and taking care of my biz mags, i was also in charge of chairing our meeting every mon and, be a representive to update the whole main comm about our progress and also doing a lot more stuffs than the others. I find it hard to get used to it, even up till now. Felt so stressed up and down these days, msg all my close friends out, but got rejected by all. Haiz. But at least, what i present to my employer in the future will not be just a stupid uni cert, but something better. At least i have something to offer - experience, considering the fact that most uni grads only hold a uni cert with nothing else. YEA!!!

Yah lazy to blog liao la. Better than nth. Hahhaa

It was supposed to be his birthday celebration on the 5th of july. I was supposed to give him a pleasant surprise plus a nice dinner, but everything failed. Reason being- His big mouth and self-proclaimed intelligent mind.
Damn, he knew everything i wanted to do beforehand.
Spoiler is what i called him.
Anyway, although i shouldnt say sorry for the screwed-up celebration, but i still do feel guilty la. In the end you made all the decisions on that day. But the most funny part was that we had lunch at fish & co glass house and dinner at boon lay zhi char hawker centre.
But still, we had a nice and fun night out. :)

Hey youuu. You spoiler - yes ya la this is to you. YOU! You better read this. Thanks for your 2 'presents' for me on your bdae celebration. Thanks for taking out your time. And thanks for silently contributing and i hadnt realised i wasnt contributing for the past 2 months.. (yea that goddamn $350). Thanks for wanting to pay for the singapore flyer ride, but because i felt so guilty for not contributing so i rejected your offer. Thanks for you wanting to give me a surprise by waiting for me at my office (although it failed).

Well, although your attitude is still as fucked-up as ever, but sometimes you still do deserve a thumbs-up for your little effort (i know i dont always realise it..).

Oh ya, stop buying chocolates for me and then end up eating everything up yourself can!! It's for me loRRR! I havent even had one bite and you already finished it. And you will always give me that famous quote from you:"It's the sincerity that counts." Your head la. Yea sincere as in at least you bought for me right. Blaa. ICE-CREAM also! I bought the bloody $5 icecream and i got to eat only like 3 small miserable mouthfuls. Well done. My drinks also. I just turned my head away for a short while and the moment i turned back, the drink is gone. Empty. Not even one drop left for me. The m ost bloody incident is the oyster egg one. You ate all the oysters away while i wasnt looking, leaving ugly holes on the oyster egg. $5 of oyster egg, and i only ate $0.50 worth of egg. You really is the most ungentleman guy i have ever seen. Good job!! Since you have a sweet-tooth, seriously one day you will either die of diabetes/heart attack. Lolz.

If there's a reason for you to hate me,
then there's a thousand more reasons for me to hate you.

If there's one touching moment that you have given me,
then there's a thousand more touching moments i have given you.

If there's a time when you truly cared about me,
then there's a thousand more carings that i have showered you.

If there's a time when you make sacrifices for me,
then there's a thousand more sacrifices i have made for you.

If there's a time when you truly wanted to see me smile,
then there's a thousand more times when i have made you smile.

If there's a time you finally cherish me,
then there's a thousand more times i have cherished you.

If there comes a time when you have fallen in love with me,
then you would have realised me too late.

If there's a time when you finally realised everything,
I might be gone.

Im being drained of everything. I can no longer provide. I have given enough.

And i have come to a decision. Something has to be given up in order for me to move on. I made a decision i might regret for the rest of my life.

It came as a sudden realisation to me that one day, somehow or another, we will change. Be it to the better or to the worse, we will change. Everyone has to go through a this challenging phase in their lives. Whether or not you chose to accept it is your own perception on how you perceive things to be.

People will change for 2 reasons. 1) When they have undergone the most challenging task/obstacle in their lives. 2) When they realised they have no more reason to continue spurring on.

The results of these two reasons of change have two extreme effects on people. One, to cause the person to be stronger and face up to the reality of the world, or two, to lose all motivation and being a little crude here, that is to waste your life away without achieving anything.

I used to resign myself to my fate, and used to blame everything else including god when i fail in something i do. Each time i do that, the more i feel that i do not belong in this universe. I wasn't contented with what i have thus far. Finally, i harbour the thought of giving up.

Then, this person came along and he forced me to grow up. I wasnt used to his mature way of thinking and i made a lot of fuss about it. Slowly, i was influenced by his way of thinking, his way of building up his network for success in the future. I thought long and hard about the type of life i want to lead. I do not want to waste my life away. I do not want to stay put with only a few good friends around me, shopping and playing when im free. If i continue that way, i will never succeed in the future. I have so much more to learn.

Sometimes, in order to succeed, it's inevitable that something has to be given up.

When everything turns into hatred.

I realised i have changed. It's scary.

And it's you. Deep down, i hate you.

It's hard being the girl behind you.
Though easy it may seem, but it requires a brand new me.
Im not used to it, neither am i accustomed to it.
And the effort is, tremendous.

Patience, is all i gave.
It doesnt comes easily, especially when it's from me.
But do you even know that i exist?

You took my presence for granted
Because of the time i gave
But have you ever,
set aside time for me in your diary?

I was aware,
of your family,studies and friends
But i have not request much,
just that you will appreciate what i have done, thus far.

It's a challenge to be with you,
with the obstacles i had to cross
and the tolerance i had to give
My endurance ever so high
Are you aware, of what you are putting me through?

I wasnt recognised
neither was i treated rightly
In front of your friends, i was nothing.
Do you care, the amount of pain i once felt.

You are afraid
And you are hiding
But, how does it feel,
to not face up to your feelings?

It's hard, to be with you.
It's hard, to like you.
It's hard to be the girl behind you.
When will you take my sorrows away?

In case my clique nag at me again, i better blog something, even if it is just pure bo liao stuffs. Hahaha, seriously my clique is really getting old and their naggings sucks. I hate nagginggggsss. BLAAA.

Shall not blog about the usual-k-box outing with clique, cause' it's been going on for years, so much so we are already siannnzzz of it. And i promised to organise some special outing the next time round.

Have been working at my current workplace for almost 1mth now.. i can only say that it's a very good experience. The environment there- alright. But the people there- Best. Jokers all around and you can never fail to laugh each day u work there. They are just like my clique ppl, funny until sometimes i just cant stop laughing. But the most important thing is, they people there have no airs about them, and they are nice. : )

But one thing i learnt over there is - In order to climb up, you have to know how to suck up to your boss. Sad, but true. You must know how to smile, and be submissive, even when you hated your boss so much you hoped he just get his ass off his seat in the office.

Got back my results last week. Worse than what i had expected. Really very demoralising and sad to see that my once-good results had been reduced to such miserable state. My mentality is the same as fumin. Shall not elaborate any further but trust me, from now on im going to really put in my best shot for engineering. I have had enough of whining about the course and losing all motivation. Whatever degree i am going to graduate with, im going to just make full use of it and give in my best shot. Life isnt going to be any worse as long as i graduate with a university degree in hand. At this down part of my life, it's time i stand up and face it.

Ok la, enough of my blog. Now you, go back and do ur things la!! So kpo, read my blog!

I should be studying now at this moment because i have a life science exam tomorrow. But i was feeling really tired so i thought i could take a break from all the cells and organelles.

It's been such a long time ever since i updated my blog. It's exam period now, and yeah as usual, all the muggings to do.

If nothing goes wrong next semester, and pray hard that my points are enough to get into hall, i will be staying with kl and she will be my roomie then! So excited about the thought of being able to stay in hall, although it may seem nothing to those who have stayed before. I was so desperate to get into hall that i asked jiahan to talk to her friend about putting me in the recommended list. Her friend asked me what i can contribute to the hall if she managed to pull me in, and without any hesitation, i told her netball interhall games. Come to think of it now, imagine im playing the netball interhall games, then there is bound to be many people watching, i wonder if i will be frightened. I think i will. Haha.

Got accepted to go for summer studies in Vietnam, but am rejecting it. I think my parents think im not independent enough to go there. Ah, now half of my future is gone.

He's been treating me much better now. At least, more normally. And i can feel it. I felt so much more happy these days. But, the question still lingers in my head.

Last Saturday, we had an 'outing' @ Causeway Point. The main motive is actually to celebrate kry's birthday, while having lunch at Breeks. And the thought of turning 20 just makes me shudders. 20! That means nearing adulthood. I want to remain a girl. Haha.

The food there is just alright only. And like what most of us agree, we would be able to feel fuller if we were to dine at seoul garden next door instead. Somemore, seoul is more value for money. Breeks is really, really, really - just OK.

After that, me and weijing headed off to library to start on our project. Only to realise that we cannot insert our thumbdrive at the idiotic computers there. So, we had to ask a kind girl to lend us her laptop for us to check something in our thumbdrive. In the end, both of us decide that we cant really do anything on our part of the project so we left off happily, for partyworld singing session with the rest.

Partyworld is really better than Kbox. Not just in terms of the price, but also taking into account the drinks and tidbits. But the only part that we dont like is that the timing is fixed and we cant extend it like what we used to do in Kbox. Also, the tidbits is non-refillable.

Im really very busy this week. I have so much things to do, but i dont really have the motivation to do everything to my best. Yes i did and revise my work, but im just not at my best condition. So much so i called him to tell him i really hate what im studying. Each time i open my txtbook, or do my tutorials, a sense of hatred just surged up in me. Allow me to say this once again - never ever study engineering, even if you have no choice. It's a lifetime regret.

Still have reports for my management to write. Still have notes to catch up with. And tutorials to revise. But just because of ONE BLOODY person's words, it drains me of all the little motivation i have. This bloody person i really really hate him. His words i will always remember, very clearly in my heart. Anyway, this bloody person is not rik.

Yes. I went to school today, because of you.

I went to school last weekend, because of you.

I dont mind the waiting.

Alot of things i dont mind.

I know your reasons. And in case you do not know, i understand.

But, i dont wish to explain anymore.

My fault. Lets just blame everything on me.

Is there no other way to solve it?

Is it going to continue like this, as long as it takes?

I saw an abstract in the newspaper today. It goes something like that - "I try to make my son feel special. I try to make him see that everything i do is for him. When i had to make a choice between taking a day's leave to send him to school on his first day or between going to work, i chose him. When i had to make a choice between socializing with my friends or spending time with him, i chose him. All i want is just to make him feel special, and that he is important to me. I will also allocate certain days just for him, to bring him out spending time with him. In this way, on the other days where im not spending time with him, he understands it and keeps to his own promises. All these that i have done for him, is the main reason why we have such a special bond."

How i wish, i could feel special too..

I have so many things to say and explain. But im too tired to say it over and over again.. Im not demanding, seriously. I dont mind not going out with you on dates anymore. I dont mind not having you with my during my breaks anymore. I dont mind not having lunch with you anymore. I dont mind waiting long hours for you anymore. I dont mind you not having time to talk to me on the phone anymore. I dont mind you not listening to my problems anymore. I dont mind you accusing me anymore. I dont mind you blowing your temper at me anymore. Everything and everything, i dont mind anymore. All i want, is just a word of concern from you..

Im tired of all these for now.

I have nothing to argue now..

Im not going to be demanding anymore, if this is how you think of me, and want of me.

Well, you won. And you should be happy, that finally, you are able to make a girl feel so miserable and bad about herself, instead of the other way round.

I must have been the foolishnest girl on earth.

Im in school right now - free because i have just finised my life science quiz, and bored because im alone for 2.5 hrs. Nothing to be special about, since that is always how my normal daily life in ntu works. Either i have friends to have lunch with me, or im by myself.

Wasn't feeling great for the past one week. Feeling very very down, and emotional. Mainly because of work stuffs..

I would just lock myself in my room, and reflect. Then cry. What more can i do..? School life isnt as great as i thought it would be. Sometimes, i have even thought of transferring school to a private uni. At least i can choose what i like to do and study. Here, im very restricted. And studying seems to be more like a chore than an interest. I lost all motivation to study. I used to care so much about grades, but where am i now? It doesnt matter to me anymore.

I cant see my future. I ponder about how my future will be like, with a degree, i absolutely hate. I cant work towards my future, because i have no aim. Not that i do not want to set an aim, but i cant, because it's not what i want.

Someone told me that im inactive in school and that i dont know what i want. The truth is, i know. I know exactly what i want. I want to be active, surrounded by friends too. Thing is, it's the middle of a new sem, and it's hard for me to just join in like that. So, that means i can only start in Year 2. I know what i want to be in future. I have great ambitions too. It's just that, i dont say it out.

After all the things that i have encountered, it left me thinking with a question in mind.. - Do you believe in retribution? That what you do unto others will befall on you - sooner, or later. For one thing, i believe. Because i think, im starting to experience it.. No matter how hard i try, it just didnt turn out the way it is.

Perhaps, it was my fault.

That's how life is..

Unspoken words.

Faded memories.

Unfeeling exchange of stares.

Cold heart.

Have i done wrongly?

I tried my best to do whatever i can so that i can turn out to be the best, but.. was i wrong?

Have i really changed?

The exact words kept ringing in my head.

Was it my fault?

Im sorry if it was.

After things are settled, i will know what to do.

Just give me some more time.

Numbed.

I don't tell you everything. I keep it inside me. No matter how many times i say, it doesnt help. There seems to be no solution to it. And all i can do, is just to breathe in deeply, and accept everything that comes my way. I have no say. I wonder, how long more can i hold, till i finally break.

It seems though, that my presence doesnt mean anything. You dont need me. Because even without me, life still goes on the way it is. Perhaps you may even find it happier that way, without any restrictions, and endless freedom. You can do whatever you want, with no one to disturb you while studying. No more suffocation. Going out with anyone you like. I may be a nuisance to you. If i let go now, it wouldnt affect you.. Life still carries on for you, without me. Because im redundant, and you dont really need me by your side.

Many a times, your actions hurt. you saw that i showed it through my emotions, and then after a while, im fine. But deep down inside, it hurts so much that every night when i close my eyes, tears just roll down uncontrollably.

Between friends and me, i see that you chose friends. I saw the answer, through the little actions you do.

Im amazed, by how much patience i showed towards you..

For a relationship to be happy and keep on going, it takes two hands to clap. If one party refuses to take out his hand, the other party would have to do all the job, and it can be tiring..

I understand the things you went through, your work, your friends and your family. Perhaps you are still not ready. But i dont blame you anymore. I learnt to accept. I learnt to endure. I learnt to suppress my feelings. Most importantly, i learnt to forgive. Though you came and messed up my life, but i feel no sense of hatred towards you. What's mine is mine. If it wasnt meant for me, then maybe it wasnt. Im going to let go, slowly. And when it's time for me to go, and being unable to hold on any longer, im sorry, that's my limit.

Life in school hasn't been really great these while.. Most of the time during lectures im usually with one of my ex-tut mate and her friends or with weijing. But during break times i became a loner. Roamed around the school, and kept on asking him if he's free so i can join him. So much so i felt like im a nuisance. It's really hard to find a clique, especially one whom i can relate and talk heartily to. Engineering really sucks.

With regards to my relationship, with which almost everyone has been asking me about, even my ex-tut mate.. hasn't been really smooth-sailing. Lots of problems surfaced underneath the "quite sweet" impression which most people thought we are. In fact, we aren't. This seems more like a challenge game rather than a relationship. We don't want to lose. We dont say utter sweet nothings to each other because we didnt want our partner to know that we are weak or we miss them. We would wait and see who call each other first. We flaunt to each other which guy/girl we are close to, just to make our partner jealous. During quarrels, either side would not give in, and as a girl, because of the smaller ego that we have compared to guys, we always have to give in even if it's not our fault. We dont celebrate special occasions together, not even valentine's day this year..

We aren't in love. Sacrifices - he's still not ready. Restricting - he's restricting himself not to like me too much, for fear that the same thing would happen to him again. It's unfair for me. Priority - I absolutely have no say in that. Im always on the on-call list.. there's no fixed time set aside for me. Surprises - None, except for cooking for me. Care & concern - he's not showing it; ego. Friends - In the presence of his friends, i will always be suan-ed by him. We dont hold hands like we usually do, even on taxis. The bus incident with his friend.. was a hurtful one.

I really really really do put in a lot of effort.. I daresay the sacrifices i made are big - so much so it has already had a big impact on my life..

It's different now compared to last time.. The attitude, and everything. Sometimes, i wished, we were just friends. Then i wouldnt be in such a torture right now.

I guess, im getting tired of this.. I dont want it to be a game. I would rather admit defeat..

Where do i really stand?

All i wish for, is someone who truly cares for me, and a healthy, normal relationship..

First post for year 2008.

All i can say is,

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

No matter how many times i have to say this, it's still not enough to amend for the mistake i make.