Numbed.

I don't tell you everything. I keep it inside me. No matter how many times i say, it doesnt help. There seems to be no solution to it. And all i can do, is just to breathe in deeply, and accept everything that comes my way. I have no say. I wonder, how long more can i hold, till i finally break.

It seems though, that my presence doesnt mean anything. You dont need me. Because even without me, life still goes on the way it is. Perhaps you may even find it happier that way, without any restrictions, and endless freedom. You can do whatever you want, with no one to disturb you while studying. No more suffocation. Going out with anyone you like. I may be a nuisance to you. If i let go now, it wouldnt affect you.. Life still carries on for you, without me. Because im redundant, and you dont really need me by your side.

Many a times, your actions hurt. you saw that i showed it through my emotions, and then after a while, im fine. But deep down inside, it hurts so much that every night when i close my eyes, tears just roll down uncontrollably.

Between friends and me, i see that you chose friends. I saw the answer, through the little actions you do.

Im amazed, by how much patience i showed towards you..

For a relationship to be happy and keep on going, it takes two hands to clap. If one party refuses to take out his hand, the other party would have to do all the job, and it can be tiring..

I understand the things you went through, your work, your friends and your family. Perhaps you are still not ready. But i dont blame you anymore. I learnt to accept. I learnt to endure. I learnt to suppress my feelings. Most importantly, i learnt to forgive. Though you came and messed up my life, but i feel no sense of hatred towards you. What's mine is mine. If it wasnt meant for me, then maybe it wasnt. Im going to let go, slowly. And when it's time for me to go, and being unable to hold on any longer, im sorry, that's my limit.

Life in school hasn't been really great these while.. Most of the time during lectures im usually with one of my ex-tut mate and her friends or with weijing. But during break times i became a loner. Roamed around the school, and kept on asking him if he's free so i can join him. So much so i felt like im a nuisance. It's really hard to find a clique, especially one whom i can relate and talk heartily to. Engineering really sucks.

With regards to my relationship, with which almost everyone has been asking me about, even my ex-tut mate.. hasn't been really smooth-sailing. Lots of problems surfaced underneath the "quite sweet" impression which most people thought we are. In fact, we aren't. This seems more like a challenge game rather than a relationship. We don't want to lose. We dont say utter sweet nothings to each other because we didnt want our partner to know that we are weak or we miss them. We would wait and see who call each other first. We flaunt to each other which guy/girl we are close to, just to make our partner jealous. During quarrels, either side would not give in, and as a girl, because of the smaller ego that we have compared to guys, we always have to give in even if it's not our fault. We dont celebrate special occasions together, not even valentine's day this year..

We aren't in love. Sacrifices - he's still not ready. Restricting - he's restricting himself not to like me too much, for fear that the same thing would happen to him again. It's unfair for me. Priority - I absolutely have no say in that. Im always on the on-call list.. there's no fixed time set aside for me. Surprises - None, except for cooking for me. Care & concern - he's not showing it; ego. Friends - In the presence of his friends, i will always be suan-ed by him. We dont hold hands like we usually do, even on taxis. The bus incident with his friend.. was a hurtful one.

I really really really do put in a lot of effort.. I daresay the sacrifices i made are big - so much so it has already had a big impact on my life..

It's different now compared to last time.. The attitude, and everything. Sometimes, i wished, we were just friends. Then i wouldnt be in such a torture right now.

I guess, im getting tired of this.. I dont want it to be a game. I would rather admit defeat..

Where do i really stand?

All i wish for, is someone who truly cares for me, and a healthy, normal relationship..

First post for year 2008.

All i can say is,

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

Im sorry.

No matter how many times i have to say this, it's still not enough to amend for the mistake i make.